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"Click here" if you would like to receive this newsletter via email.  Feel free to print this out and share it with your friends. Do not feel free to claim that you wrote it; no one would believe you anyway.

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THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS!

The Mount Horeb Mustard Museum is supported in part by generous grants from these fine companies: French's, Beaverton Foods, Silver Spring Gardens, Plochman's, Haus Barhyte, Robert Rothschild Berry Farms, Bertman Foods, and Snyder's of Hanover.

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In this issue of TPM:

1. National Mustard Day Update
2. Do You Want To Be a French's Mustard Man?
3. Misplaced Modifiers Department (True Story!)
4. In the News
5. Fine Art
6. Curator's Update
7. Fan Mail
8. Habeas Codfish
9. Cutting the Mustard, Cutting the Ketchup.
10. Fiction: A Contract For Professional Services Rendered.
11. Recipe of the Month

12. HOT FLASH: Girl Genius!

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1. NATIONAL MUSTARD DAY UPDATE

The eyes of the condiment world turned to Mount Horeb, Wisconsin, for National Mustard Day 2002 on Saturday, August 4. More than 2,000 mustard lovers descended upon the Trollway for food, music, fun, and LOTS O' MUSTARD. One of the biggest hits of the day was the debut of Raspberry Honey Mustard Ripple Ice Cream, made by our good friends at the University of Wisconsin Dairy School using Raspberry Honey Mustard from Rothschild Berry Farm.

There's nothing like the call of "Free Meat" to attract the local citizenry and our free hot dogs brought out all shapes and sizes of Mount Horebians. They were "free" but folks generously donated coins and bills to the Second Harvest Foodbank of Southern Wisconsin. Contributions for the hot dogs and from the many mustard games came to nearly $1,300.00.

The French's Mustard Man and the Klement's Hot Dog Racer (the one from Miller Park in Milwaukee) provided great photo opportunities for the appreciative crowd. "Click Here" to see them in all their glory.

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2.DO YOU WANT TO BE A FRENCH'S MUSTARD MAN?

How would you like to wear the French's Mustard Man suit? How would you like to wear it and win a trip to New York City?

One Grand-Prize winner and a guest will travel to New York City for 3 days and 2 nights and have the opportunity to appear as the French's Mustard Man (date to be determined). Four First Runners Up will also be selected so that all of the five French's mustard flavors will be represented.

To enter, write - in 50 words or less - why you think you should be the French's Mustard Man/Woman. Tell French's what your favorite flavor is (Classic Yellow, Napa Valley Style Dijon, Sweet Onion, Honey, or Deli) and why YOU are that special flavor. (Photographs are not required but are welcome). Mail your entry to "I Want to be the French's Mustard Man, c/o BHG PR, 546 Valley Road, Upper Montclair, NY 07043." Or you can enter online at [email protected]. Entries must be received by November 15, 2002. Log on to www.bhgpr.com for complete rules.

[Helpful hint: A reference to the Mount Horeb Mustard Museum wouldn't hurt!]

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3. MISPLACED MODIFIERS DEPARTMENT (A TRUE STORY!)

A dear friend took the Curator and Mrs. Mustard to lunch in New York. It was the first time that the dear friend had met Mrs. Mustard. The Curator, being the polite and thoughtful fellow that he is, sent the dear friend an assortment of fine mustards. The dear friend, being the kind and thoughtful person that she is, send a Thank You card and wrote:

"I enjoyed our lunch and loved meeting your bride. May there be many more."

Mrs. Mustard remarked that no more are needed.

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4. IN THE NEWS

We have it on good authority that the Los Angeles Times will report on the Mount Horeb Mustard Museum some time this week (week of August 19-23).

Many of you saw us on the Food Network's prime time show, "Unwrapped," on July 29 (with several repeats in the week following). They liked us so much that we will be back on "Unwrapped" in November on a show that will uncover the secrets of food containers. Mustard pots are the ultimate in food containers so it's a natural. We will keep you posted.

And we understand that "Ripley's Believe It Or Not!" (the TV series) will be mentioning the Mustard Museum soon.

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5. FINE ART

The Mount Horeb Mustard Museum is everything a museum should be, with exhibits and lots of fine art. We recently put on display a painting of three hot dogs, liberally adorned with mustard. The painting, by Nanette Roe of Sacramento, California, is aptly named: "Three Dog Night."

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6.CURATOR'S UPDATE

The collection of mustards now stands at 3,877. How many other places do you know of with that many mustards? We have also acquired several fine pieces of grand old mustard memorabilia that are on display in the museum. (We have recently received an old Colman's Mustard Songbook.) To see our complete listing of mustards you can go to our web site: http://www.mustardmuseum.com/galleries/mustards/index.htm

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7. FAN MAIL

A recent email came to us, in the style of e.e. cummings:

"make some dark toast, spread the peanut butter on thick then a thin layer of prepared mustard. been eating it al my life, anyone who tries it loves it."

And this from a young mustard lover:

"Hello, my name is Amanda Rico and I am 12 years old and I go to Oak Creek West Middle School in Oak Creek, Wisconsin. I am a very big fan of any type of mustard. I hope sometime when I'm in town I can stop by and take a look and maybe even buy some merchandise. I have to have mustard on everything from pickles to potato chips. I was so please to hear that there is a mustard museum, but I really wish it was closer to home…MUSTARD RULES"

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8. HABEAS CODFISH

The Curator's book of food and the law, Habeas Codfish, continues to gather rave reviews. The latest appears in the current issue of Gastronomica, a marvelous new journal of food history and culture. May I quote? (Oh sure, go ahead.)

"Except for his occasional tirades in support of mustard and against competing condiments, Levenson has succeeded in the almost impossible task of creating a heavily footnoted, evenhanded, and very broad historical survey of food and the law, which is accessible to the average reader and still interesting and enlightening to experienced lawyers."

If you want more information on Gastronomica, go to their website: www.gastronomica.org.

To order a signed copy of Habeas Codfish, shop online at the Mustard Museum on line.

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9. WHO CUTS THE MUSTARD? (AND WHO CUTS THE KETCHUP?)

To "cut the mustard" is to perform up to the highest standards, to excel in an endeavor where excellence is rare. To "cut the ketchup" is to … well, it's not a mark of distinction. We hope you are enjoying this regular feature of our online TPM - recognition for those who truly do "cut the mustard" and those who don't.

CUTTING THE MUSTARD -

This month's "Cut the Mustard" award goes to a man with a vision in nearby Madison, Wisconsin. Cameron Ramsay has reopened Madison Sourdough Company with the most delicious baguettes and artisan breads we have ever tasted. Cam no longer bakes his bread for wholesale distribution; at his little shop on Mineral Point Road, Cam bakes only what his walk-in customers can carry away. He's not making a lot of bread but the bread he makes is magnificent. I bet there's a Cam Ramsay in your town, too. Find that local artisan - be it a baker or confectioner or artist - and show your appreciation of good local products. (Check them out at www.madisonsourdough.com.)

CUTTING THE KETCHUP - As for this month's "Cut the Ketchup" award, we alert you to a new product that may soon be on your grocer's shelves. A recent press release from a Florida company claims to represent a "Ketchup-Mustard Blend." Why any decent human being would even consider adulterating mustard with that evil red substance is beyond me. We understand why ketchup would want to be upgraded by the addition of mustard but really, it is just not something that you or I would do.

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10. FICTION:

We encourage your submissions. The only requirement is some relevant mention of mustard. The Curator has concocted this little tale for your reading pleasure:

*** A CONTRACT FOR PROFESSIONAL SERVICES RENDERED ***

Our Lady of the Blessed Yaddy-Yah was in dire need of a pastor.

Barleymore Etjapez (the last name sounds like "Eat Your Peas") was recently ordained and in dire need of a job.

It was an employment contract made in heaven. Uncle Etjiapez (this particular nondenominational, or should we say "contradenominational" sect eschewed the more customary terms of address for clerics such as "Father" or "Brother" but still opted for an available male familial handle) - excuse me, that was a long parenthetical, wasn't it? We'll start over, with full understanding of the unusual term of address for the clergy in this church, if you don't mind calling it a church. Again, UNCLE Etjiapez should have read the fine print. He should have read the large print, too.

Here is what the one-year contract required him to do:

(1) Tend to his congregants in a professional and spiritual manner;
(2) Counsel his congregants in times of emotional need;
(3) Instruct his congregants in the teachings of the faith;
(4) Lead worship services for congregants according to the traditional calendar;
(5) Wear a full-body chicken suit at all times.

Standard stuff for duties generally reserved for men of the cloth (PERSONS of the cloth - sorry) with the exception of the last item that rarely appears in the northern hemisphere.

That's not all. Those were the DUTIES. Here are some of the PROHIBITIONS, conduct and activities forbidden to Uncle Etjiapez during the term of the contract:

(1) No talking;
(2) No writing;
(3) No dancing;
(4) No humming;
(5) No whistling;
(6) No use of hand gestures during daylight hours;
(7) No use of computers except to play "Wheel of Fortune;"
(8) No nodding of the head;
(9) No sticking out of the tongue;
(10) No reading of newspapers, books or magazines of any kind except for the current issue of "Modern Dentistry;"
(11) No running in place;
(12) No barfing, belching, puking, heaving, or retching in front of the handicapped;
(13) No stalking of celebrities on church time;
(14) No poker with wild cards;
(15) No stacking of sacred texts more than six high;
(16) No shaving of any parts below the waist;
(17) No use of the toilet on the main floor except if Uncle has to go real bad;
(18) No leaning on the pulpit;
(19) No waiting for people named Godot;
(20) No MSG;
(21) No flying the grand old Stars 'n Bars;
and this last one - but it is pretty standard, you know --
(22) No large bills after midnight.

As you can imagine, Uncle Etjiapez felt doomed to fail from the get-go.

"I am an idiot for not reading the contract," thought Uncle. "There is no way I can minister to my flock with these restrictions. No talking? No singing? No hand gestures? And all this while having to wear a poultry suit. Unbelievable!"

Correction, Uncle. A chicken suit is what you must wear. Not just any poultry suit. Don't think for a minute that wearing a duck suit or goose suit will go unnoticed by your employer.

He had no complaints regarding salary or fringe benefits. A very generous 401(k) plan. But he can't preach or do marriage counseling, at least not in the manner he learned at seminary. Or so he thought.

As harsh as the list of "Thou Shalt Nots" appeared to be at first glance, Uncle never looked on the bright side, at the many activities that were not in any way restricted. For example, there was nothing in the contract that prohibited these things: climbing trees, dunking for apples, kicking dirt, thinking naughty thoughts about Mamie Eisenhower, putting any kind of oil in a Buick, coveting the neighbor's ass (prohibited elsewhere), changing light bulbs, sucking the mustard out of the packets they give you at the drive-through on South Knuckles Boulevard [yes, there's the mustard reference!], attending medical school, doing the splits, traveling to Oslo to pick up the Nobel Peace Prize, preheating the oven, sitting cross-legged, and winding watches that are amenable to being wound (hard to find these days, aren't they?) As for smoking, it was not prohibited in the contract but seeing as the entire church has been a designated NO SMOKING area since 1993, that is, at best, a murky and gray area and probably moot since Uncle doesn't smoke.

You are undoubtedly thinking of HUNDREDS of other healthy activities available to Uncle Etjiapez without violating his sacred employment contract. Yes, yes! I hear you. Simonizing the quarters in the collection box, I knew you'd think of that one!

So there you have it. Uncle Etjiapez began his tenure at the Our Lady of the Blessed Yaddy-Yah Church on the twenty-first day of June, last year. Here it is, a year later. Time for an evaluation and decision on renewal.

Uncle is pessimistic. "I've been a terrible Uncle to this congregation. But what could I do? I tell you this, I will read my next contract, that I will."

Well, wouldn't you know it (oh, you figured it out, I am sure), the congregation not only picked up the option year on Uncle's contract but insisted on DOUBLING his salary. They even put in a no-trade provision and that is so rare these days. Priests and rabbis and ministers and deacons and imams would kill for that clause. He was the best Uncle they had ever had.

"I don't get it," said Uncle, "I didn't do anything except sit in my office wearing my full-body chicken suit. Where was I when my congregants were in need of liturgy, of instruction, or counseling?"

"Exactly! While you were in your office wearing your full-body chicken suit, the congregants prayed for themselves, instructed themselves, and solved their own problems. You were precisely what we needed."

"But why the chicken suit?"

"We needed a good laugh. And we didn't want you to feel like a lame duck."

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11. RECIPE OF THE MONTH

Here is the recipe for Summertime Cole Slaw, created for us by our resident chef, Eric Rupert, and featured on the Food Network's show, "Unwrapped."

HONEY MUSTARD COLE SLAW

1 16 oz. Package of shredded cabbage (undressed cole slaw)
5 Tbsp Rothschild Blackberry Honey Mustard Pretzel Dip
1 Tbsp Raspberry Vinegar
2-3 Tbsp Canola or Vegetable Oil

Start by adding the Mustard Pretzel Dip to a bowl. Add vinegar and oil. Whisk together.
Add cabbage and mix well. For full flavor, let rest, refrigerated, thirty minutes.

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12. HOT FLASH: GIRL GENIUS

There's a comic book out there that has recognized Mount Horeb mastery of mustard. In the current issue of "Girl Genius" Agatha Clay (the Girl Genius)confronts Othar Tryggvassen. Othar asks: "Perhaps you've heard of me. I'm told the stories are getting around." The exchange continues:

"GG: Othar? The Othar? The man who defeated the wooden warriors of Dr. Krause?

OTHAR: That would be me, yes.

GG: The hero who saved the hamlet of Lunkhauser from the ever-widening moat?

OTHAR: The very same.

GG: The savior of the town of Mount Horeb from the rain of Mustard?

OTHAR: I...uh...I'm afraid you have me on that one."

It may not be ARCHIE & VERONICA but it is very cool.

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Support America's favorite condiment museum by shopping at the Mount Horeb Mustard Museum. Call us at 1-800-438-6878 or go to our web site shopping cart.

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TO UNSUBSCRIBE TO THE PROPER MUSTARD:

To unsubscribe from the Proper Mustard Newsletter, just reply to this e-mail with REMOVE in the subject line. That's all you have to do. Why you would WANT to do that is beyond us; this is why Al Gore created the internet.

Send comments, suggestions, submissions, to the curator: [email protected].

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CONTACT INFORMATION:

Mount Horeb Mustard Museum
PO Box 468
100 West Main Street
Mount Horeb, WI 53572
Phone: 800-438-6878
Fax: 608-437-4018
e-mail: [email protected] (Barry Levenson, Founder and Curator) or
[email protected] (Michael Carr, President)
http://www.mustardmuseum.com/