The Proper Mustard - - - 'Yellow Journalism at its Best!'
The Official Newsletter of the Mount Horeb Mustard Museum ~~~~ July 23, 2008
Editor-in-chief: Barry Levenson  [email protected]
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COMING SOON: NATIONAL MUSTARD DAY

Saturday, August 2, is National Mustard Day and Mount Horeb is preparing for an onslaught of thousands of mustard lovers. Main Street from Second Street to Grove will be closed for the festivities that will include:

• Opening ceremonies accompanied by the POUPON U Accordion Band
• Live music by Staff Infection and the Red Hot Horn Dawgs
• Free Oscar Mayer hot dogs (*mustard required)
• Mustard games galore
• "Kids Are People, Too"
• Wayne the Wizard
• The Balloonatic
• Announcement of the winners of the 2008 Mustard Writing Contest
• Enshrinement of the 5,000th mustard into the collection
• Unveiling of the world's first all-mustard vending machine

And lots more mustard family fun. Activities run from 10 to 4. No rain allowed!

< < < We'll have the new 2008 National Mustard Day shirts on sale, too. Here's a sneak preview of this year's outrageous design:

T-shirts should be available by July 27. It's item MDY08 and we will ship them as soon as they come in.

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DEALS & STEALS

POUPON U T-SHIRTS ON SALE? Almost never, so you don't want to miss this chance to buy these popular mustard icons at a great price - $13.00. That's a $2 savings over the regular price, which, we are sad to report, will be going up in September. PPN400.

BUY LIKE THE PENTAGON! That's right, for a limited time you can act just like the federal government and pretend we're Halliburton by paying way more than the regular retail price for our popular GRAND CHAMPION GIFT BOX. It's normally $49.95 but you can be a bungling bureaucrat and buy it now for $59.95 . . . Item MX67. (includes "Thank you, sucker!" letter). If you want to cross the line from mere incompetence to total corruption, then line our pockets with even MORE laundered money for the same gift box. That's MX68 for a shameful $69.95 (includes a pre-emptive pardon letter). All money over and above the regular retail price goes straight into the curator's wallet.

More deals and steals on our web site

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< < < As in "Soap Opera" mustard. The Curator and Mrs. Mustard learned that daytime soap stars love their mustard. Here's Jean-Paul Lavoisier ("Rex" on "One Life to Live") wearing his POUPON U shirt at a recent event.

Here's the Curator hitting on Nancy Lee Grahn (Alexis on "General Hospital") > > >

< < < Not to be outdone, Mrs. Mustard had to fight off advances from Greg Rikaart (Kevin on "Young and the Restless")

Maybe condiments need their own soaps?

We proudly present tomorrow's schedule, complete with enticing plot lines:

ALL MY MUSTARDS - Erika yearns for even more mustard in her life but Brad wonders if he's man enough for the task; Jeremy innocently accepts a pretzel from Mrs. Fruckmeister and finds himself strangely attracted to her large ball of surgical-grade tape; Dr. Billingsley apologizes to Anna for negligently removing all of her vital organs during an otherwise routine elbow waxing procedure.

AS THE BURGER TURNS - The handsome recluse Darcy Swain finally emerges from Swainscott Manor, but only to buy nine hundred assorted hex nuts at the hardware store; Maggie and Kyle realize that their mutual passion for fruitcake is not enough to overcome their total disgust for each other; Caryn decides that after seventeen years she can no longer hide her pregnancy.

THE RED AND THE TASTELESS (Ketchup's own soap) - Millwardt and Georgina swap ketchup kisses and wonder why they have no friends; a tall dark stranger comes to town and quickly leaves; at the urging of his mother, Yelbert sends an anonymous love letter to Bill the plumber but does not realize he isn't supposed to sign it; Millicent reads the phone directory while knitting a shroud for her late Uncle Sedgwick.

DIJONS OF OUR LIVES - The town is still talking about the midnight meeting of Pierre, Jean-Luc, and Giselle at the Hotel de Rien for their now infamous Moutarde à Trois; Jordan Wickstrom returns from the dead and goes on a rampage when the public library refuses to waive his late fees; Monica's no-good son Bruce gets out of jail and vows to get revenge on the town by learning to be a public utility accountant.

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Here are a few of our latest acquisitions. Thanks for your support.

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MARKHAM MUSTARDPIECE THEATER? NOT THIS TIME

I guess we're not very good at getting out the online vote but thanks to everyone for voting for us in the Markham Mark of Distinction Awards finals. Had we won one of the two $25,000 grants, we would have given the good people at Markham Vineyards naming rights for our MustardPiece Theater. We're still proud to have been one of ten finalists and congratulate the deserving winners.

As for naming rights for the theater, don't be shy. If you want to support the Mustard Museum in a big way and see you or your company's name in lights, call or email the curator. What if a major ketchup company offers us the big bucks? Should we take it? (Dream on, Curator.)

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Until next time - Hasta la mustard, everyone.