 SENATOR NAILED IN CONDIMENT STING
Scandal has rocked the nation’s capitol on news that Sen. Elsworth Tomatohead was arrested at the Minneapolis airport for allegedly dropping packets of ketchup in a men’s room stall. The act of dropping little food service ketchup packets has long been known as an invitation for like-minded condiment abusers to engage in criminal conduct that involves squirting ketchup onto hot dogs, corned beef sandwiches, and other places where ketchup does not belong.
Sen. Tomatohead entered a plea of guilty to disorderly munching, a lesser charge, in a feeble effort to avoid adverse publicity. He claims that he stuffed the ketchup packets into his pockets in order to keep them away from young children and that they inadvertently fell out of his pockets when he went into his famous "wide stance" in the stall. "A wide stance can make things just fly out your pockets," explained the Senator.
In a tearful press conference, the red-faced Senator claimed that he is not a ketchup eater and has never been a ketchup EATER. Press pundits have already noted the irony of the situation, in that Sen. Tomatohead took former President Clinton to task for engaging in oral snacks with a White House intern – allegedly without a condiment.
GASTRO!
No, it’s not the trade magazine of the proctology profession. GASTRO! is the upscale food magazine read by all the foodies and gourmets in Slovakia. And a recent issue contained a two-page article on the Mustard Museum. In Slovakian, of course. A full color picture of Mrs. Mustard and the Slovakian writer is most prominent. That explains the sacks of letters we have received from Slovakia, all saying roughly the same thing: "Please to send beautiful mustard woman to Slovakia where she will be most appreciated. Can she cook? Can she milk cows?"
She can definitely cook but, even though she is from Wisconsin, negative on the second question.
WHODUNIT, WISCONSIN STYLE
No crime goes unnoticed in the small towns of Wisconsin. The POLICE REPORTS section of a Wisconsin Dells newspaper listed several major criminal incidents for August 25, including: "Dog bites man at True Value Hardware" and "Guests fail to pay phone bill at Blackhawk Motel." But the last item on the police blotter caught our eye:
MUSTARD BOTTLE STOLEN FROM FRESH FRIES
Who would do such a thing? Of course, Wisconsin Dells police have already named the Curator as a "person of interest." That has pleased the Curator who likes it when others find him interesting. Not to worry, the Curator has a solid alibi; he was delivering a stern warning to a unrepentant mayonnaise eater in a Mount Horeb back alley.
But you never know. So where is Johnny Cochrane when we really need him? ("If the mustard is stale, you must send him to jail." But we all know that mustard never gets stale.)
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